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What Makes a Marriage or Long-Term Relationship Work?

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Periods of conflict, frustration or anger are an inevitable part of every marriage or long-term relationship simply because they are in the fabric of all human relationships. Why are some couples able to work through their disagreements or frustrations and survive and thrive, while others end up in a vicious cycle of negative feelings, emotional distancing and deterioration that leads to divorce?

Staying together

Contrary to popular belief, it's not how much you love each other that will best determine the future of your relationship, but how you handle conflicts and disagreements. Couples that stay together disagree about just as many things and the same things - money, time, housework, sex, priorities, the kids, etc. - as couples that divorce. The difference is that those in successful marriages know how to manage conflict in a constructive and positive way.

Researchers from two major research labs in the United States have found that the likelihood of divorce can be predicted by studying how couples handle conflict. Disagreement isn't predictive of divorce. Fighting isn't predictive of divorce. Criticizing, stubbornness, withdrawal and arguing that includes put-downs, accusations and rejections is predictive of divorce.

Over time, these negative patterns of dealing with conflict steadily erode all the good things in the relationship, ultimately leading to a relationship overwhelmed by negative feelings.

How to resolve conflicts constructively

By learning to resolve conflicts and manage disagreements constructively, you can limit negative encounters with your partner and strengthen the positive side of your relationship. Follow these guidelines:

1. Eliminate negative communication styles

Are you or your partner guilty of any of the communication styles below?

_____ criticizing your partner's opinions, feelings or desires
_____ making accusations
_____ putting down the thoughts, feelings, actions or worth of your partner
_____ avoiding disagreements or important discussions
_____ name calling
_____ disregarding
_____ insensitivity
_____ withdrawing from conflicts
_____ stonewalling
_____ bringing up past hurts

These negative ways of interacting sabotage any attempts at constructive communication, erode positive feelings and are devastating to a relationship.

2. Learn how to listen

Constructive and positive communication begins with genuinely attempting to understand the other person's point of view, needs or feelings. First, listening to understand focuses attention on the issue at hand, not on individual personalities. Second, caring to listen to what your partner thinks and feels is a way of showing that you care about him/her. For more effective listening you should:

• Listen for understanding - Give your partner an opportunity to communicate his/her thoughts, feelings, needs or desires regarding the issue at hand. Listen for understanding, rather than spending time preparing for what you're going to say next.
• Ask questions - Guard against assuming that you know what your partner meant or felt by asking questions to assure your understanding. Ask questions such as, "Do I hear you correctly?" or "Is this what you are saying?" Avoid questions that result in a simple "yes" or "no" answer.
• Summarize - When your partner is finished speaking, repeat what he/she said - in your own words - to confirm with your partner that you understand.

3. Learn to speak without attacking

By learning to speak without attacking your partner's thoughts, feelings, actions or worth, you can keep disagreements from escalating into full-blown and nasty arguments. To improve your talking skills you should:

• Make "I" statements - Avoid starting a sentence with "you." It sounds like an accusation or an invitation to fight (which it usually is). Instead, put yourself on the line by sharing how it is for you. Say, "I think..." or "I want..." or "I feel..." No cheating by saying, "I think that you..."
• Use "Feeling" words - It's not fair to expect your partner to guess or "figure out" what you are feeling, as in, "If he loved me, he'd know!" Quit playing the guessing game and say it straight. Be sure to use feeling words like "sad," "happy," "excited," "angry," "worried," etc. Remember to start the sentence with an "I" as in, "I was upset when you forgot about our date."
• Focus on issues, not personalities - Deal with specific issues on which decisions and compromise action can be worked out. Be specific when you introduce a complaint. Confine yourself to one issue at a time.

By talking with "I" statements and focusing on specific issues, you eliminate the possibility altogether of using unproductive and destructive communication styles like accusations, put-downs, or criticizing.

By avoiding negative communication styles and improving your listening and talking skills, you can learn to resolve differences without negative consequences and, in fact, grow stronger and closer by solving them together.